Learn to Drive People!

So I was driving in the middle lane of a three lane street today (as in three one way, three the other way). I was the only one around for like a block, both in front of and behind. This lady coming from a perpindicular street starts a right turn onto my street about 100 feet in front of me. Now I don't like when people turn onto my street when I'm that close... and this is why; I don't know if she didn't see me or thought I was going like 2 miles an hour because she got RIGHT INTO MY LANE!!!!!!!! There was no one on either side of me! She could have gotten into either of the other two lanes, but she chose MY lane. And you might think, so what? well SHE decides not to accelerate, at all. I had to slam on my brakes to not hit her. It's not like I was going that fast. So I go around her and give her the ugliest look ever, as in if I had my windows down, I might have thrown something at her, I was so angry. You might ask, "Did she know she did it?", well when I was passing her, she had on the most oblivious face, as if nothing just happened. So my point of this entry is that people suck at driving.

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My Hangover

I wrote this on my ancient Blog I had in the mid-90's.  Actually, it wasn't a blog since that term probably wasn't even invented yet.  It was on my old MySpace page.  Remember that forerunner to Facebook?  Anyway, here it is.  Enjoy!

Monday morning is here. The hangover is just now starting to clear (but it's not gone yet). I was drunk from Wednesday night until Sunday morning. What a life I lead.

One story I forgot to share was about my hangover from Friday morning. A bunch of people went out to dinner Friday night. Actually, we went out for drinks at a restaurant it seems. It was me and 6 rich bastards. They were buying. We started at a hotel bar before dinner and I had 3 vodka tonics. (I don't know about you, but I have always heard the acceptable recipe for vodka tonic is 1 part vodka, two parts tonic. This bartender apparently liked to reverse that mixture). We were only there for a half hour. Then we went to the restaurant were I ate grilled shark with 2 more vodka tonics. By the time dinner was over I couldn't focus my eyes very well across the table. Dinner lasted two hours and everyone was shit faced. (I saw one guy leave a $200 tip on a $400 bill). We went to a another bar near the restaurant, where I decided I had already had too much to drink (so I switched to beer). 3 draft beers later and I could feel myself slumping in my chair.

When I got home, no big deal. I actually felt pretty good. I drunkenly played some guitar. I played with my doggy. (That is not a euphemism - I actually played with my dog), and then I sat down to watch some TV. That is when I realized things were bad. It was a TV spinning, nauseated, must close eyes before I fall out of my chair, kind of feeling. As I sat in my char in a shirt and tie with my eyes closed, I fell fast asleep (read: I passed out in my clothes in front of the TV). I woke up Friday morning at 5:00 a.m. with a pain in my back from sleeping in a straight up position. I sat there for 10 minutes trying to figure out what the hell happened.

Cue the vomit scene. That's right my friends, I threw up. Big time. Everything came up. (At one point I swear I saw a part of a fin). I did this two more times while getting ready for work. After the third vomit scene I started to feel better and drove in. I had a 9:00 meeting which I was required to attend. At 9:15 I politely excused myself from the meeting and walked calmly to the restroom where I vomited again. I wiped the tears from the eyes (I don't hurl pretty), popped a mint in my mouth, straightened the tie and returned to the meeting. My God, I am trooper. Eight hours later I was on my second beer and discussing which waitress at the bar had the best breasts.

Now I am not drinking again for two years. (or this Friday, whichever comes first). I have pain all over my body and my eyes are continuously bloodshot. That isn't going away for some reason. It is probably unrelated to the drinking. I bet I have eye cancer.

I need a drink.

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Damn, It's Cold!

This morning I agreed to go on a run with my neighbor.  We are both trying to get into shape and I definitely need the exercise.  We decided to run around the biking trails of West Des Moines.

After only about a mile of running, I was wanting to turn back.  Although my hangover was subsiding, I was freezing my dick off!  Literally!!!  I don't mean to be rude or use a play on words, but my dick was really freezing. I started thinking about how I have spent my whole life trying to get my dick into warm (and usually wet) places and now I am out running on a Saturday morning and my dick may render itself useless for the rest of my life due to frostbite!  What if they have to remove it!!!!  OMG!!!

Now for you warm climate dudes and women reading this, let me explain what happens when that part of the male anatomy gets really, really, really cold.  Of course it shrivels up and your balls retract into your body, seeking warmth.  That alone can be uncomfortable.  You also loose your concentration.  You cannot concentrate on anything other than trying to figure out a way to get your genitals warmed up.  It becomes an obsession.  A guy does not want to go to the hospital emergency room looking for treatment of hypothermia of the penis.  That would be a little embarrassing.

I thought I was ready for this.  I had some nice running tights that I thought were warm.  I had psyched myself up before going out.  I knew it was going to be cold, but I thought the power of the mind and thoughts of a Caribbean Beach would fight off the cold.  And besides, I was going to be running and burning calories; creating heat! 

To make a long story short, we jogged almost three miles and we all survived (me, my balls and my dick!)  No hypothermia, no frostbite - It was a miracle!

And I learned a valuable lesson: Do Not go Jogging when it is under 40 degrees outside!  I am sorry penis, I will never subject you to that again!

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